CertifiedSchizo

DIRRRTY TALK

2006-10-06T11:30:00.000+08:00

Not quite a sex post, but it'll have to do for now.

TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits....there!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:

10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5 .Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

Got any of your own? Feel free to share with us please.

JEKYLL

PUAS AH?

2006-09-26T12:09:00.001+08:00

The advent of Ramadhan puts the SEX post on hold. (Phew!)

We see this every year but I think it's very useful info.

SOME HEALTH GUIDELINES FOR RAMADHAAN

During the holy month of Ramadhan, our diet should not differ very much from our normal diet and should be as simple as possible. The diet should be such that we maintain our normal weight, neither losing nor gaining. However, if one is over-weight, Ramadhan is an ideal time to normalise one's weight.

In view of the long hours of fasting, we should consume slow digesting foods including fibre containing-foods rather than fast-digesting foods. Slow digesting foods last up to 8 hours, while fast-digesting foods last for only 3 to 4 hours.

Slow-digesting foods are foods that contain grains and seeds like barley, wheat, oats, millet, semolina, beans, lentils, wholemeal flour, unpolished rice, etc. (called complex carbohydrates) . Fast-burning foods are foods that contain sugar, white flour, etc. (called refined carbohydrates) .

Fibre-containing foods are bran-containing foods, whole wheat, grains and seeds, vegetables like green beans, peas, marrow, spinach, the leaves of beetroot (iron-rich), fruit with skin, dried fruit especially dried apricots, figs and prunes, almonds, etc.

The foods eaten should be well-balanced, containing foods from each food group, i.e. fruits, vegetables, meat/chicken/ fish, bread/cereals and dairy products. Fried foods are unhealthy and should be limited. They cause indigestion, heart-burn, and weight problems.

AVOID
Fried and fatty foods. Foods containing too much sugar. Over-eating especially at sahur. Too much tea at sahur. Tea makes you pass more urine taking with it valuable mineral salts that your body would need during the day. Smoking cigarettes. If you cannot give up smoking, cut down gradually starting a few weeks before Ramadhan.

EAT
Complex carbohydrates at sahur so that the food lasts longer making you less hungry. Protein is a slow-burning food. Dates are excellent source of sugar, fibre, carbohydrates, potassium and magnesium. Almonds are rich in protein and fibre with less fat. Bananas are a good source of potassium, magnesium and carbohydrates.

DRINK
As much water or fruit juices as possible between buka-puasa and bedtime so that your body may adjust fluid levels in time.

CONSTIPATION
Constipation can cause piles (haemorroids), fissures (painful cracks in anal canal) and indigestion with a bloated feeling.
Causes: Too much refined foods, too little water and not enough fibre in the diet.
Remedy: Avoid excessive refined foods, increase water intake, use bran in baking, brown flour when making bread.

INDIGESTION AND WIND
Causes: Over-eating. Too much fried and fatty foods, spicy foods, and foods that produce wind e.g. eggs, cabbage, lentils, carbonated drinks like Cola also produce gas.
Remedy: Do not over-eat, drink fruit juices or better still drink water. Avoid fried foods, add ajmor to wind-producing foods.

LETHARGY ('low blood pressure')
Excessive sweating, weakness, tiredness, lack of energy, dizziness, especially on getting up from sitting position, pale appearance and feeling faint are symptoms associated with "low blood pressure". This tends to occur towards the afternoon.
Causes: Too little fluid intake, decreased salt intake.
Remedy: Keep cool, increase fluid and salt intake.
Caution: Low blood pressure should be confirmed by taking a blood pressure reading when symptoms are present. Persons with high blood pressure may need their medication adjusted during Ramadhan. They should consult their doctor.

HEADACHE
Causes: Caffeine and tobacco-withdrawal, doing too much in one day, lack of sleep, hunger usually occur as the day goes by and worsens at the end of the day. When associated with "low blood pressure", the headache can be quite severe and can also cause nausea before buka-puasa.
Remedy: Cut down caffeine and tobacco slowly starting a week or two before Ramadhan. Herbal and caffeine-free teas may be substituted. Reorganise your schedule during the Ramadan so as to have adequate sleep.

LOW BLOOD SUGAR
Weakness, dizziness, tiredness, poor concentration, perspiring easily, feeling shaky (tremor), unable to perform physical activities, headache, palpitations are symptoms of low blood sugar.
Causes in non-diabetics: Having too much sugar i.e. refined carbohydrates especially at sahur. The body produces too much insulin causing the blood glucose to drop.
Remedy: Eat something at sahur and limit sugar-containing foods and drinks.
Caution: Diabetics may need to adjust their medication in Ramadan, consult your doctor.

MUSCLE CRAMPS
Causes: Inadequate intake of calcium, magnesium and potassium foods.
Remedy: Eat foods rich in the above minerals e.g. vegetables, fruit, dairy products, meat and dates.
Caution: Those on high blood pressure medication and with kidney stone problems should consult their doctor.

PEPTIC ULCERS, HEART BURN, GASTRITIS AND HIATUS HERNIA
Increased acid levels in the empty stomach in Ramadhan aggravate the above conditions. It presents as a burning feeling in the stomach area under the ribs and can extend up to the throat. Spicy foods, coffee, and Cola drinks worsen these conditions.
Medications are available to control acid levels in the stomach. People with proven peptic ulcers and hiatus hernia should consult their doctor well before Ramadhan.

KIDNEY STONES
Kidney stones may occur in people who have less liquids to drink. Therefore, it is essential to drink extra liquids so as to prevent stone formation.

JOINT PAINS
Causes: During Ramadhan, when extra solat are performed the pressure on the knee joints increases. In the elderly and those with arthritis this may result in pain, stiffness, swelling and discomfort.
Remedy: Lose weight so that the knees do not have to carry any extra load. Exercise the lower limbs before Ramadhan so that they can be prepared for the additional strain. Being physically fit allows greater fulfilment, thus enabling one to be able to perform solat with ease.

JEKYLL

MOVIE STAR? BAH!

2006-09-18T15:57:00.000+08:00

I’ve been told that I look like some guy called Bill Pullman. Apparently he’s a big Hollywood movie star who’s acted in many blockbusters.

YEAH, RIGHT!

Like I could possibly resemble a movie star!

I was thinking - who’s this guy anyway? Never heard of him before. Does he even exist? C’mon, get real! Even the name sounds made-up - Bill Pullman.

I suppose the female version is called Jill Pushwoman or something like that. Lol. Try again, people, I thought!

The pic you see on my profile is mine. I was born looking like this. Oh ok ok…..I grew up and looked like this. Any resemblance with another person, dead or otherwise, famous or otherwise, is purely coincidental. If you don’t believe it, go take it up with the Almighty.

Then I did exactly what a cat should never do when it’s curious - I googled this guy Bill Pullman.

Mr Big Hollywood Star looks nothing like me. Nowhere near! If anything, I look better than him. Movie star? Bah!

I've attached both our pics below.

You be the judge. People say we're mouseketeer two same. I mean, mousedeer two same. (Pelanduk dua serupa lah!).

But I seriously beg to differ..

That's me on the left.

The Bill guy looks much older. His hair looks like a the outcome of a 2-hour session in the Bukit Bintang saloon. So not real.

What movies did he act in anyway?

P.S.

Cant get into the mood yet. Ran out of HORLICKS. Tried VICO but didnt work...

JEKYLL

SEX?

2006-09-07T16:51:00.000+08:00

Someone recently suggested that I resume blogging about my (and hers too, it seems) favourite subject of SEX. It's everyone's fav topic too, I suppose.

It's just that some like to write about it. Whereas some others just like to read.

But everyone thinks about it.

I wrote about ORGASM.

I wrote about LUST AND HORNINESS.

I wrote about MY FAV SEX POSITION.

Heck, I even wrote about WORLD PEACE. Ok, so this isn't about sex.

Writing about sex-related stuff is all about being honest. Being sincere about your inner-most fantasies and desire.

Honesty and sincerety are what separate smut from heartfelt ramblings.

So, my next post is inevitably going to be about SEX.

Need to get in the mood :

Air-cond set to 22 degrees (just the perfect temperature for sex. Try it!),

Marvin Gaye and Al Jarreau (music for to summon the beast in you),

Kain Pelikat (the older the better),

A hot cup of HORLICKS (dont know why, but not only does it get me in the mood, my performance is also enhanced!) .........and I should be ready to go!

'Til then...

HYDE

MURDER-CAR!

2006-08-31T14:20:00.000+08:00

The nation is 49 years old.

I’m just regretful that with every 31st August that comes by, I still can’t seem to genuinely grasp the significance of the country’s independence.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no less patriotic than the flag-waving guy who runs around in Stadium Negara during badminton matches involving our team.

I would not hesitate to fight for my country.

I would not think twice to die for it.

I would be the first to self-draft if ever war breaks out with any of the neighbouring countries. The army may not need an old geezer like me but I’ll have them and everyone else know - I do not need a reason to kick a Singaporean/Thai/Indonesian/Filipino’s arse.

I am very proud of my country but even so can’t bring myself to affix a flag onto my car. Much as I am partial to watching how the flag flutters when a car zips through the road, I just can’t see the Jalur Gemilang as my car accessory. Not yet.

My indifference towards the spirit of independence may be discomforting to some, but I presume it is understandable for those who did not experience the struggle.

I know that the historic event signalled the end of British colonial rule.

I know that it was the coming into being of an independent, sovereign and democratic Federation of Malaya.

Emblemic images of Tunku’s raised hand with shouts of “Murder-Car! Murder-Car! Murder-Car!” marking the great occasion, are my only momentous reminder of the birth of a new nation.

I pray that by this time next year, I can finally say that in addition to my immense sense of pride and allegiance to the country, I would also be able to sincerely embody the essence of self-government, befitting of Malaysia’s 50th birthday.

JEKYLL

DA ROO RON RON RON DA ROO RON RON (C'mon...altogether now)

2006-08-22T12:31:00.000+08:00

Roo and Ron kissed and made-up!

What a sight this was.

I'm sure Ms Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou would get wet looking at this pic.

JEKYLL

RENJIS RENJIS DIPILIS

2006-08-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

I’m officially an old man now. A grumpy one at that. My niece is getting married next Sunday. If everything goes as planned, I will be a granduncle next June. Great. Just great.

I don’t trust my future nephew-in-law. He has a unibrow. I never trust anyone with a unibrow. Neither do I trust anyone with more rings on a single hand than the Olympic rings, in this case a.k.a. Mr Unibrow’s father. I bet he sets the airport alarm buzzing whenever he attempts to board a plane.

What’s so difficult about tackling the unibrow problem? Haven’t they heard of waxing, threading or even plain shaving? Within seconds, the mess on the forehead will disappear.

This wedding sha-bang is just such a laborious process. It’s fine and dandy when you attend the function - pretend you like the food, shake hands with people whose names you couldn’t remember and check out the size of other guests’ gifts. But when you’re on the other side of the pelamin, it’s a different story altogether.

I just can’t wait for this whole episode to be over. It began several months ago with the engagement. Then came the solemnisation ceremony (nikah) on Friday night and by this time next Sunday it’ll all be over.

We can then all go back to our daily routines. No more colour coordination discussions. No more tray counting. No more egg flowers preparation (bunga telor lah). And then, back to blogging...

JEKYLL

WTF (WHAT THE FAG) ?

2006-08-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

Oh dear, Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou - better known as plain old George Michael a.k.a. The Bubble with the Stubble - has done it again!

The media caught him with his knickers down once more. Miss Michael "sank to new levels of depravity – trawling for illegal gay sex thrills in a London park," reported News of the World.

The obvious question would probably be how somebody as rich and famous as George could possibly pick up a "jobless 58-year-old" who lives in a "squalid flat" for a brazen al fresco tryst.

I for one, would have thought pot-bellied jobless van drivers would have more taste - maybe it was too dark to see who he was.

I dunno, but I think it's a somewhat self-destructive lifestyle to go meeting up for anonymous sex in public on hot London nights. But George is being applauded by the gay community for claiming that he can go around having sex with unknown "mingers" in bushes because it's his "culture".

Am I the only person who finds this odious?

"He's just sold out a 50-night comeback tour in 30 minutes -- but George still needs sick thrill," The News of the World screams.

Photographers captured the singer in some bushes having a romp with the old dude. They snapped away as Michael scurried from behind the bushes, while shouting, "I don't believe it! Fuck off! If you put those pictures in the paper I'll sue! Are you gay? No? Then fuck off! This is my culture!"

Miss Michael, while trolling for some arse in notorious Hampstead Heath, picked up Norman Kirtland, a 58 year old jobless man.

Kirtland said after the incident: "I don't even like George Michael. And I didn't recognize him immediately. He sort of came up and got close. He looked kind of brown so I said to him, ‘You're not totally English, are you?' He kissed very well. That was one of his major points. Then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic."

Kirtland's confession then took a bizarre twist as he bragged: "There's a secret that I have which no one knows about. It's a personal thing. Most people pull away from it. But George actually seemed to respond.”

Ewwww…

I’ve got nothing against gayboys. I came from a school where same-sex experimentation was prevalent and tolerable. But if I were a homosexual, I wouldn’t want Georgios to be my poster-boy.

The fact that he “outed” relatively late in his life is a major mystery. Everyone kinda suspected it before. The hairstyle. The dance (remember “Wake me up before you go go”). The shorts. The jacket. The lyrics.

Yeah, THE LYRICS. Laden with clues that when deciphered, obviously with the benefit of hindsight, I could swear I could see the huge spotlight shine over me!

I mean, from, FREEDOM, we have “I just hope you understand, sometimes the clothes do not make the man”. And “I know not everybody has got a body like you”. This was so prophetic.

Considering the man's age, this from FATHER FIGURE, is just spot-on:

"I will be your father figure. Put your tiny hand in mine. I will be your preacher teacher. Anything you have in mind. I will be your father figure. I have had enough of crime. I will be the one who loves you. Until the end of time"

HYDE

TITS AND ARSES

2006-07-28T23:45:00.000+08:00

With the World Cup over and the only football matches on telly were Man Utd friendly games in South Africa and Scotland (Ananda must be a Red Devil!), TNA wrestling managed to perk my interest one late night. Understandably, it was the name of the programme that caught my eye first. And there were plenty of Tits aNd Arses indeed!

Has anyone really noticed what the wrestling referee actually does? Can't help thinking what a great job that is. You’re a referee in a sport with no rules of any kind. How do you screw that up? Slap the floor a couple of times and pretend you’re blind and easily distracted for the most part of tag team matches, particularly when a wrestler is being pummeled senselessly, then collect your wages at the end of the night.

The referee is kind of like Maurice Gibb. You don’t really need him or even notice him, but the Bee Gees just wouldn’t be the same without him.

I think they must have got these guys from the same place the Harlem Globetrotters get their refs. There must be this whole school where they teach you to just kind of run around and not notice anything.

That’s the school where the teachers will sit you down, show you a film of the chaotic brawling scene from Gangs of New York, and if you don’t see anything illegal going on, you’re hired!

JEKYLL

IN GOD'S HANDS

2006-07-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

Sorry, I know everyone's sick of any news about this couple but I just couldn’t resist posting this.

Btw, if you haven't already noticed, this is a composite pic of Siti and K (he was just plain Khalid then).

She was 7 and he was a youthful 27!

"For me the age difference is not an issue ... it is all in the hands of God. Our relationship, meeting, life and death is all in the hands of God," she said.

I hope she wasn't referrring to Maradona.

Anyways, click on the pic for better resolution. You'll see that he ages well.

JEKYLL & HYDE

Psst...It's nice to be back!

To DH: I know you don't own blogspot....but to me, you definitely rule it! ;)

TIME OUT

2006-07-19T14:16:00.000+08:00

Regrettably, due to recent developments, we have opted for a "time out".

Thank you.

JEKYLL & HYDE

JALAN JALAN CARI MAKAN

2006-07-06T21:59:00.000+08:00

I went out to dinner at a spiffy restaurant town the other night. The bill duly arrived at the end of the meal as it always does.

I never did like the bill-at-the-end-of-the-meal system. That’s because money is a very different entity before and after you eat.

Before you eat, money has very little value. When you’re hungry, you sit down in a restaurant, you’re like the ruler of an empire. You don’t care about the cost. You want maximum food in minimum time.

“More drinks, appetizers, dessert, quickly, quickly! Serve anything. Everything. With or without the plate. It doesn’t matter. Just bring the chow. It will be the greatest meal of our lives.”

Then, after the meal, once you’re full, you can’t remember ever being hungry in your life.

You see people walking into the restaurant, you can’t believe it. “Why are all these people coming in here now? I’m so full. How could they eat?”

You’ve got your pants undone, napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the ais kacang bowl. You never want to see food again as long as you live. That’s when the bill comes. This is why people are always mystified by the bill.

“What is this? How could this be?” They start passing it around the table. “Does this look right to you? We’re not hungry now, why are we ordering all this food?”

Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. What do they say? You know, they’re eating . . . “This is good. Who is this? I like this person.”

I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really solid straight sleep through the night sleep. You’d think with any little noise they’d go “What is it? . . . Who’s that? . . . Who’s there? . . . Is somebody there? . . . What do you want? . . . You look hungry. Are you hungry? . . . Get the fook out of here!”

MAN TELOR

2006-07-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

Every batch has one.

Ours was called “Man Telor”.

He got his nickname after the only other Man was already called “Man Konek”. I kid you not!

I often wondered, if there was another Man, what would we have called him? “Man Telor Kiri”? “Man Telor Kanan”? That would give rise to other potential posers like - “Whose left? Whose right? Man’s or ours?”

Man Telor has an affliction. He has a serious case of one-upmanshipitis. Tell him something about anyone or anything and without fail, he’ll try and top it. Be it the most trivial of matters, he’d still want to get the better of you.

You tell him that you have 2 brothers and a sister. He’ll have 3 brothers, 2 sisters and a dog.

You tell him that your family’s going to Port Dickson for holiday and he’ll be pulling Mickey’s ears at Disneyland.

You tell him your dad drives a BMW and his house will have a helipad.

You tell him that you had a packet of nasi lemak for breakfast and he’ll be at the Hilton breakfast buffet finishing off the crispy beef bacon with the cheese and mushroom omelette.

You tell him your parents went to umrah and his father was the Imam at Masjid Nabawi.

Well, you get the idea.

Not surprisingly, Man Telor was an amazing story-teller. Stuff the Hollywood moguls would break the bank to get the movie rights to. If only they know about him then.

He never repeats his stories because he can never remember the details. He made it up as he went along.

Nonsensical though his stories were, the evenings listening to Man Telor were the one of the few memorable moments of my school-life.

This current World Cup instalment led me to recollect Man Telor’s amazing tale about the ball he smuggled out during Espana ’82. It was during the match between Italy and Brazil when the legendary Paolo Rossi shocked the world with his match-winning hattrick to set up a semi final clash with Poland. If memory serves me well, he also got a brace during the semis.

As the story goes, Rossi ballooned his shot during one of the attempts at goal and our own Man Telor, with cat-like dexterity, clawed the ball off the air and stealthily hid it unbeknownst to the 70,000 odd crowd and the TV cameras. Those days, only one ball would be utilised throughout the game. FIFA would despatch a crack search-and-rescue team to retrieve any missing balls. Games were stopped while the furtive tactical sorties were carried out in search of balls gone astray.

But Man Telor got the better of them. His technique of deception is now firmly etched in the manuals of MI-5, CIA, LLN, TNB and the likes.

What the FIFA officials did not know was that Man Telor was a master of disguise. The Italy jersey he was wearing wasn’t bought at Las Ramblas, Barcelona’s 42nd street. The jersey was actually made from a blend of special fabric and organic textile that reacts with the brain synapses. Our intrepid Man Telor was the able to fashion a maternity dress in which he slipped the ball unnoticed. He left Bombonera, the little Sarria stadium, amidst the smog cap over Barcelona, nonchalantly, with the ball that MVP of the tournament scored 3 goals with, firmly in his dress.

Can anyone ever top that story? Man Telor had some of us eating from his palms but yours truly saw through his endeavour. Ahem.

A friend met Man Telor recently. He brandished his business card readily. It read Man Telor (have to jaga his face la), CEO, Something, something PLC. His company is listed in the FTSE 100 Index and has a market capitalisation of over GBP10 Billion.

Impressive.

I did what any commonsensical man would do and googled his name and company.

Sigh. Old habits die hard.

JEKYLL

SVENGALI OR BENGGALI

2006-06-30T16:29:00.000+08:00

I’m going out on a limb and make bold predictions of the outcome of the World Cup 06 quarterfinal matches onwards.

If I get my forecast correct, I’ll be that Svengali much sought-after by bookies from Kluang to Kwang Tung.

But if I’m wrong, I’ll be like that Benggali who appears on TV, much sought-after by Ah Longs from Sekinchan to Szechuan.

Ok, so here goes.

QUARTER FINALS

GERMANY 2 (Podolski, Klose) - ARGENTINA 2 (Saviola, Crespo)

(After Extra Time) 2-3 (Ballack)

ITALY 1 (Toni) - UKRAINE 0

ENGLAND 1 ( Rooney) - PORTUGAL 1 (Simao)

(After Extra Time) 1-2 (Maniche)

BRAZIL 1 (Ronaldo) - FRANCE 2 (Ribery, Henry)

SEMI FINALS

GERMANY 1 (Ballack) - ITALY 2 (Totti, Del Piero)

PORTUGAL 0 - FRANCE 2 (Zidane, Malouda)

THIRD PLACE PLAY OFF

PORTUGAL 1 (Deco)- GERMANY 2 (Klose, Lahm)

FINAL

ITALY 1 (Gilardino) - FRANCE 1 (Henry) (After Extra Time) 2-1 (Toni)

So, there.

Isn’t this a welcome reprieve from all the sex that’s been going around, eh? ;)

JEKYLL

MISSIONARY MAN

2006-06-25T21:03:00.000+08:00

I lost my virginity at 16. How that happened is a long story. Another post, perhaps. Suffice to say that I was “Minute Man” personified. No foreplay. No bucking the wild and unbroken bronco. After I finally located the correct orifice to thrust my shaft, the excitement got the better of me. And in a time shorter than it takes to half-boil an egg, I ejaculated.

All my plans to maintain perfect control during an hour of hard steady thrusting and then, time my ejaculation to coincide, contraction for contraction, with the orgasm of my partner, went down the drain. I watched all the porn movies for tips. I committed to memory all the moves the stars executed. But it all came to nought.

Being male, I was obviously contented. At that age, my philosophy was understandably, “the end justifies the means”. Like the Romans, I came. I conquered. The only thing that mattered to me then was that I came.

But as I matured, I took it upon myself not to repeat the debacle. A review of my attitude also had to be made. The performance needed improvement.

I wanted to become the local Ron Jeremy. Or maybe even a John Holmes. Obviously, not being nearly as well-endowed as the two, I had to rely on a combination of technique, practice and chemistry.

However, the thing about sex is not like a sport where you can train with a coach and a ball or a racquet. You need an active and willing partner to experiment with. Someone willing to try out the many positions available. Someone who’ll able to recover quickly from incessant soreness. It certainly doesn’t help if your partner is a female version of Lil Mikey. Being injured after hardly a minute just doesn’t cut it.

I learnt that pleasure is a mixture of physical sensations and emotions. Sensual and sexual pleasure result from an interaction between physical sensations and your thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Experiencing sexual pleasure is the process of giving and/or receiving sensual and sexual pleasure. Having good sex requires you to not only respond to your own needs, but your partners needs as well.

What I also learnt is that sex isn’t just as a penis-in-a-vagina experience that has to involve thrusting - the old in-out, in-out routine. There are plenty of ways that a man and woman can achieve intimacy and fulfilment without vigorous penile thrusting. Once a penis is inside her, a woman experience a sense of fulfilment and connection that is precious and important to them whether or not their man thrusts. And though we have a deep instinctual urge to thrust, we too can actually enjoy these gentle experiences of closeness and connection. Another possibility is to enjoy different kinds of movement once the man has inserted his penis - a gentle rocking motion or gentle circular movements of the hips is often enjoyable. And since the vagina is most sensitive nearest its outer edges, shallow penetration in which the man just inserts his penis an inch or two, then withdraws, and then gently re-enters to the same depth can be very teasing and enjoyable - especially if his partner can squeeze his penis with her vaginal muscles as he moves in and out!

The missionary position is one of my favs. Everyone knows how it works - the woman lies on her back with her legs apart and the man lowers himself on top of her, supporting his weight with his elbows, and enters her with his legs either inside or outside hers (usually inside). He may lower himself onto her and rest more of his weight on her body. The woman can wrap her legs around him to control the depth and speed of his thrusting into her vagina, or she may thrust a little towards him from her pelvis to match his movements in and out of her vagina.

The woman lies on her back with her legs spread apart. The man then lowers himself on top of his partner with his arms supporting his weight. From this position he has the freedom to thrust or make circular movements with his thighs. If he lowers himself closer to her and rests some of his weight on top of her body, his pubic bone can provide gentle clitoral stimulation. The woman can thrust her middle body towards the man using the support of her legs, or grasp the man from behind which enables her to control his thrusting movements somewhat.

I like this position due to its apparent simplicity. I also love the sense of dominating my partner when I'm feeling my masculine power; I love the intimacy and connection when making love in a slow, emotionally connected way. Think about it: there's plenty of skin to skin contact, there's the ability to gaze into your partner's eyes and watch her reaction as she feels that ever-special moment of penetration, there's the incredible sense of warmth and wetness as her vagina envelops your penis, and there's the profound satisfaction of deep thrusting and, of course, ejaculation. For the female partner, there's the ability to lie back and enjoy it without having to make too much effort - though of course if she wants to thrust she can do so, albeit in a more limited way than in other positions.

I did some research in the net. Funnily enough the missionary position never appears at the top of lists of people's favourites. Men's top two favourites are
(1) rear entry with both partners kneeling, and
(2) woman on top.
The man on top comes in at number 4.

For women, the top two favourites are
(1) woman on top facing towards the man, and
(2) woman on top facing away from the man.
The man on top comes in at number 5.

Why is this? Could it be that even though we use this position such a lot, we secretly crave something more exciting? Or is it that we're all bored with this position but we do it because we think it's what our partner wants, without having ever actually asked them?

It does seem strange, but sex is a personal and mysterious thing, and what couples say they want in surveys seems very different to what they actually do in the bedroom.

Maybe the idea of rear entry appeals to men because of its raw animal lustiness, while women like the idea of woman on top because they fantasize about being dominant during sex.

Meanwhile, in reality, we're all having the missionary position most of the time because what many men and women most want during sex is to feel intimate and connected to their partner. This may be why this position is the most common position couples actually use, for it certainly allows for great intimacy in the form of eye contact and full skin-to-skin contact and the ability to kiss and hold each other close.

Also, some women seem to like the slight sense of being trapped or dominated by their partner if he is lying on top of them, and it can be very exciting for the man if the woman rests her feet on his calf muscles or wraps her legs around his back, drawing him in closely to her.

What's your fav position then?

HYDE all the way

THE RINGS OF THE LORD

2006-06-22T14:56:00.000+08:00

I’m the Lord of my house. When World Cup season begins, the remote control shall be glued to my palm. No ifs. No buts. I am the LORD!

The Holland vs. Argentina game last night was the 40th match in the World Cup. This means, we’re already 5/8th of the way there, with only 24 matches left. My self-induced sleep depravation should technically be over after the final.

However, going by the previous World Cup tournaments, I’m preparing myself for major withdrawal symptoms resulting from the conclusion of the megafootiefest. That will be the time that I’d go watch any football match I can get the chance to. I watched the local tournaments. Bardhan Cup matches. President’s Cup matches. Even at the nearby pitch, where balding, overweight men - not unlike Fat-boy Ronaldo himself but with way lesser skills - try to emulate the pros. You see, any game will do, as long as I get my daily fix.

Although by then, I won’t be walking around like a zombie during the day anymore but there’s always the perpetual craving for a late night/early morning game. The bags under my eyes demand that I hire a part-time porter to carry them.

The rings around my eyes are so conspicuous, no amount of make-up (not that I wear any, macho guy and all) can conceal them. So remarkable are the rings that I even have a name for them.

I call them THE RINGS OF THE LORD.

Note:
This post is like the calm before the storm. Normal service shall resume in the next post when my fav topic of copulation shall be featured.

JEKYLL

PISSERS & KISSERS

2006-06-16T16:28:00.000+08:00

It takes a bad day for one to be pissed off at everything. Of course, lack of sleep twitches the irritation level up 10 notches. The slightest of provocation can land you in the lock-up. I would have gladly obliged if they were to ask me to strip and squat, just to piss the pigs off. Squat, spread my legs, on my hands and knees. Anything, as long as I get to stay nude.

I've always wanted to make a list or in today's case (since I'm pressed for time), a mini-list of things or people or events that piss me off. I started off this blog in that mood so it's just right to continue where I left off.

I'll call this list - PISSERS. This list isnt in any particular order of pissiness.

1. Cherie "Cruella De Vil" Blair or Booth or whatever she wants to call herself.

Pity the puppies. Bloody hell, Mrs Blair or Booth or whatever. Are you telling me there isnt much work to do in the UK? No human rights issues to fight for? You want to keep yourself busy? Go to Timor Leste. Or Tikrit for that matter. You'll find something to do. Mainly dodging bombs and bullets. And crazed men fighting for.....what were they fighting for again? Ok, you go and find out. You can email me your findings. My email address is on my profile. Then, you'll beg to go to back to bed with the man you so zealously want to escape from. His days are numbered anyway. Your fantasies of doing it in one of the rooms in No 10 would be over soon. I heard Neil Kinnock's making a comeback. Better tell Tony to start packing.

2. Siti K or Datuk Norhaliza.

Will they or wont they? Or perhaps just when? Come on, guys! 06 06 06 came and went. 08 08 06 pulak now. What about 0 no 0 no 0 no. It's getting stale lah. Not that I'm gonna be invited to the wedding anyway. Especially after this. Join the club. Bell Spot's not in a hurry to invite me to his wedding either. Come on, mate! Take 5. 5 times the joy! 5 times the laughter! 5 times the same ending? Cruel am I? I'm pissed off. Gimme back my sleep but please dont take away the World Cup.
3. Sukma
Havent we had enough of Sukma? Last month everyone was talking about Sukma. He was in Kedah. Not many national records were broken. Now he's making a personal appearance in KL. And he's not guilty. We know that. It was consensual right? Nothing wrong with that. You're both adults. What you do behind closed doors is none of our business. Now the can of worms is open again. Are we gonna see the notorious mattress again?

Ok, let's keep this mini-list mini. Dr M says stop just when the going's good.

But what's a Yin without a Yang. Laurel without Hardy. Broery without Sharifah Aini.

To maintain a karmic balance, I'm gonna start a list of nice things or people or event. Let's call it KISSERS. Again, not in any particular order of kissiness.

1. The Azzurri
What a bunch of extremely talented and equally good-looking players the Italian team has. If I had one shot at becoming someone else, I'd opt for anyone from the Azzurri! Well, maybe with the exception of Zambrotta and a couple of other names I cant pronounce, let alone spell. Nesta, Cannavaro, Toni, Totti, Buffon, Iaquinta, Gilardino, Pirlo, Pullman (oops..), well the list goes on... To quote a certain someone - PHWOAR!
Based on first games played so far, they are now my tip for the Cup. Obviously, my prophetic predictions varies, from time to time, depending on the strength of Astro's reception. And the Emas Index.

Important Disclaimer:

I aint no gayboy. My sexual preference are clearly for those of the female species only. Humans preferably.

2. Crouching Crouch
The beanpole swayed with the breeze. But he rose, above others, to stardom by outdoing and out-scoring little Mikey. His spastic dance was not to be seen though. (Oh no, am I gonna get in trouble like Tiger did?) Like I give a shite! Crouch is retarded. There you go. So sue me. Get Cherie to be your lawyer.

3. iGallop
Osim has hit the jackpot! This contraption is the only exercise equipment you'll ever need. It'll tone your hip, thighs and buttocks! Wow! I'm gonna buy a few of these and let every female on my neighbourhood use the iGallop to tone their hip, thigh and buttocks. Heck, I will even throw in a copy of the video clip of them riding the machine. I'll keep the original clip of course, in case, they'd want extra copies.
This is one magical exerciser. The secret is in its zero-impact, tri-axial riding action. Your body automatically responds to its multidirectional movements to maintain balance. This constant balancing by your body engages certain muscle groups, and may help improve balance, coordination and posture.
I think even my tea-lady's mother-in-law would look sexy riding the iGallop.

That's it. It's good to stop at 3 PISSERS & KISSERS each. Three is a good number. Sounds nice. Three. See? Three.... Had it been changed slightly to say, thraa, it would closely resemble a Neanderthal mating call. I assure you, having a mob of horny cavepeople congregating around you is not a pleasant experience.

HYDE

WORLD PEACE

2006-06-15T08:58:00.000+08:00

World peace is not only possible but inevitable. It is the next stage in the evolution of this planet. In the words of one great thinker, it's the planetisation of mankind.

Whether peace is to be reached only after unimaginable horrors precipitated by humanity's stubborn clinging to old patterns of behaviour, or is to be embraced now by an act of consultative will, is the choice before all who inhabit the earth.

At this critical juncture when the intractable problems confronting nations have been fused into one common concern for the whole world, failure to stem the tide of conflict and disorder would be considered terribly irresponsible.

Among the favourable signs are the steadily growing strength of the steps towards world order taken initially near the beginning of this century in the creation of the League of Nations, succeeded by the more broadly based United Nations Organization; the achievement since the Second World War of independence by the majority of all the nations on earth, indicating the completion of the process of nation building, and the involvement of these fledgling nations with older ones in matters of mutual concern; the consequent vast increase in co-operation among hitherto isolated and antagonistic peoples and groups in international undertakings in the scientific, educational, legal, economic and cultural fields; the rise in recent decades of an unprecedented number of international humanitarian organizations; the spread of women's and youth movements calling for an end to war; and the spontaneous spawning of widening networks of ordinary people seeking understanding through personal communication.

In a world fraught with war, starvation and malice, it's nice to know that some things never change. People have been attacking, starving and hating each other since time began. And before that, dinosaurs weren't known for their ability to get along peacefully.

This is getting too seriously boring.

Therefore here are some suggestions about how World Peace can be achieved by the end of the year.
- Antartica is the only continent untouched by war. The rest of the world should follow its example and become a frozen wasteland.
- The Northern Ireland conflict is based largely on religious differences between Protestants and Catholics. The solution is clear: prove that God doesn't exist, and the two sides will have nothing to disagree about.
- The War on Terror can be over by Christmas. George W Bush just needs to declare victory, and it's over. It worked in Iraq, so why not everywhere else? Of course, the fighting and killing will continue, but we can just re-define "terrorism" as "hyper-violent negotiation".
- All wars about ownership of land could be ended if only people learned how to breathe under water and live at the bottom of the ocean.
- No pangolin has ever become an evil dictator. This may be an important point for people to remember when next casting their vote.
- Many conflicts continue for years and years because negotiators have fixed positions, and aren't prepared to be flexible. Wars would end if each country sent in their gymnastics teams to solve disputes.
- Some of the most vicious disputes in the world are between neighbours arguing about over-hanging trees. A simple solution would be to refer all these disputes to an international body such as the UN Security Council, to vote on which neighbour is right, and then to send in a Peace Keeping Force to chip down the tree and live in each of the neighbours houses for 25 years to ensure hostilities no longer arise.
- The UN Security Council should be replaced by the Justice League. A team of superheroes will act quickly, decisively and effectively. So long as Batman doesn't get to lead the team.
- It's hard for soldiers to kill each other when they're only armed with pillows. All other forms of weapon should be destroyed.

Lily, you wanted me to write about world peace, so, there you go.

(can only be) JEKYLL

HORNY

2006-06-13T14:34:00.000+08:00

Horniness knows no bounds. You lust over the unlikeliest person like a someone who is starved of sex. Sex and horniness are mutually exclusive, in my opinion.

There's this bank teller in BCB Shah Alam that makes Angelina (Jolie that is) look like a bag lady. Her pout leaves you wet. Hard-on develops without warning. Naturally bee-stung lips, pinkish to reddish, the colour of the lips of a woman who has just orgasmed (that word again!). Her cheek bones are like miniature ski slopes. Stuart Little has been known to spend his holidays there.

What is most appealing about this woman is probably the fact that she doesnt realise that she's so sexy. Her slightly tousled hair and light make-up corroborates that fact. She smiles at will. Dimples so deep, bears have mistakenly hibernated in 'em.

Dont get me started on her two big......eyes. With black caterpillars as eye-lashes, whenever she looks at me, I become an iceberg in the Sahara.

Last but most certainly not least, her heaving bosoms. So beautiful the pair are that I drive all the way to Shah Alam to deposit RM10 and also to catch a glimpse of Ms Left and Ms Right. Perfectly shaped, C bordering on D-cup, neatly cradled by her brasierre. Makes me wish I could for just one day shape-shift into a bra and cuddle up under her breasts. Mmmmm....

She must be in her 30's, judging by the fact that her body appearing "fully developed". Just the right age group. Curves at the right places.

Cant tell if she notices me. I'd rather if she doesnt, actually. Then I get to ogle at her unabashedly.

Only problem is, walking out of the bank with a boner can be dangerous. The security guards might think that a robbery's in progress....

HYDE

TO ORGASM OR NOT TO ORGASM

2006-05-31T10:32:00.000+08:00

Good sex doesnt necessarily have to culminate with an earth-shattering orgasm. Dont know which deprived person said this but I'm sorry but I must beg to differ. The big O is a prerequisite for any sexual encounter. It "completes" the act. It is, in fact, the highlight to the act.

For me, sex becomes fulfilling only when my partner cums first. She can opt for multiple servings of the orgasm or be content with just the one. Either way, her orgasm(s) serves only to heighten my sexual response.

I think it is very difficult for a woman to fake her orgasm. It's not just the When Harry Met Sally type of moaning and groaning (which I thought was very stimulatingly done by Ms Ryan). It's more than that. Her body becomes increasingly excited. Her breathing shorter and faster. Her heart rate and blood pressure increases. The pupils of her eyes dilate, the lips of her mouth darken, her nipples become erect, her clitoris swells, becomes hard and exposed.

With increased excitement, her skin becomes flushed and begins to sweat. Her labia, clitoris, vagina and pelvic organs enlarge. There's also the obvious moistening of the vaginal walls, and an enlargement of the clitoris due to increased blood flow trapped in the clitoris's spongy tissue.

As she comes closer to having an orgasm, her clitoris moves inward under the clitoral hood, and her minor lips (labia minora) become darker. As the orgasm becomes imminent, her vagina decreases in size and also becomes congested from engorged soft tissue. Her uterus then experiences increasing muscular contractions.

Sometimes there is a plateau of excitement for several minutes before she is about to orgasm.

THEN IT HAPPENS!

When the floodgates open, all the tension is suddenly released in a rhythmic and involuntary but highly pleasurable contractions that she would feel in her vagina and uterus. Spasms occur in her legs, arms, back and stomach. Her body stiffens. Her vaginal glands discharge a secretion of fluid (love the taste!).

Can a woman fake all that? I doubt it. At best she can mislead him by her screaming his name and declaring that she's really cumming. "Oh Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe Joe........I'mmmmmm CUMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'MMMMMM FUCCCKKKINNNGG CUMMMMMMIIIIINGGGGGGGG AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH".

That could work.

Sorry gotta stop and take a cold shower pronto.

HYDE

ORGASMIC TELLY HOO

2006-05-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

After a hard day's work (macam real aje), there's nothing better than to plonk yourself on the sofa and watch the telly.

There are a couple of progs that tickle my fancy. Numero uno for me is LOST on AXN. Season One wasnt as compelling as the current one. That JJ Abrams guy is the hottest talent to hit the box of late. Was hooked on Alias for a while but lost track of the numerous organisational changes that Sydney and the team underwent.

My fav line was when Chase (Angela Bassett) said to Sydney, "Miss Bristow, your record’s a mess. Your consistent disregard for protocol obviously speaks to some larger systemic dysfunction; a psychological need to challenge authority".

Somehow this line sounds familiar. Heard many versions of that statement directed to me throughout my life. At school. At work. At the police station.

I like the word "SYSTEMIC". Dont know why. It's a cool word. Maybe coz it reminds of another wonderful word - ORGASMIC.

Orgasmic is such a flexible word, dont you think? You can use it as an adjective and also as an adverb. Eg. How was the meal, sir? ORGASMIC! Ronaldinho's skills are ORGASMIC!

ORGASMIC! ORGASMIC! ORGASMIC! Aint life just fantabulous!

If not for orgasm, life's not that much worth living for... (Now THAT'S a quotable quote!)

JEKYLL/HYDE

MR BELL SPOT

2006-04-10T14:51:00.000+08:00

I know this person who calls himself Mr Bell Spot (formerly known as Mr Bell Rigby). He's a mechanic and a fitness freak. He thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. He feels that he is God's gift to women. He also likes to write. Mainly about himself. So he entered the blogging world.

He wrote about...well, himself. Not satisfied with that, he began to post photos of his body parts. Cheap thrill for him when women commented on the post. Hairy lah. Big foot = big dick lah. Farking pathetic!

Being a mechanic always brought in the Chicas. Dont know what it is about women who throw themselves at the feet of mechanics. Talk some medical..oops I mean, mechanical jargon and the ladies swoon. Mec, are you single? Where's your workshop? I minat you. Can you give my car a "thorough" check-up? Nudge2 wink2.

Did they bother to ask why he's been married and divorced that many times? It is really always the ex-wives' fault? Or is he really just plain unlucky. Cant get the right soulmate. Looked always at the wrong places. Always ending up with women who are stupid, not pretty enough, not classy enough, women who have a life of their own.

I noticed recently that his blog's gone. Dont know what brought that on. Pity really, coz I was enjoying reading comments from unsuspecting females who really thought he's the Real Deal that got away. Would really appreciate any info that could shed some light into his disappearance (if you know who I'm referring to).

(most definitely not) JEKYLL

JEKYLL'S TURN

2006-04-07T14:59:00.000+08:00

It was recently reported that Meg Ryan hates Michael Parkinson, the British TV host. It had something to do with an interview session about Ryan being nude in one of her movies. She didnt like Parky's comments about her doing so.

Chat show hosts are a dime a dozen. But the really good ones are rare. They are the ones who last for years. The British approach is quite different from the Americans. Terry Wogan, Parky, Jonathan Ross and the gang are not like David Letterman, Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno.

Of course, the Queen of chat show hosts is none other than Oprah Winfrey. No one comes even close to her. The pretenders like Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, Tyra Banks pale in comparison with Oprah. She's articulate, spontaneous, very intelligent and thoroughly in control throughout the proceedings. Of course, giving her entire studio audience a brand new Pontiac G6 each, during the premiere of her 19th season show, does help a lot to cement her position right up there.

JEKYLL

LEPRACEMEN KIRRERS

2006-04-06T21:28:00.000+08:00

I find the accents of Michelle Yeoh in Tomorrow Never Dies, Chow Yuen Fat in The Replacement Killers (and just about all his English speaking roles) extremely excruciating. Toss in Samo Hung in his TV series Martial Law, the whole oriental cast in Memoirs of a Geisha, we have a migraine-inducing bunch of over-rated stars. It's the HongKee accent. Mandarin style english I can take. Even Japanese type. But not the Cantonese twang.

I always wonder why the Chinese can Kung Fu. Whenever any Mat Salleh tries it, they look so stiff and ungraceful. Even the overseas Chinese, like the future Mrs Todt, does it ever so well. What is it in their genetic make-up that makes them different from others? I think maybe it's got someting to do with their food too. Not the Yong Tau Foo but perhaps the Bak Kut Teh! Was told there is a halal version of Bak Kut Teh called Chik Kut Teh. Chicken replacing pork. It's not the same I suppose. Never tasted pork before but have tried lard. It's yummy.

HYDE

GRUMPY OLD MAN

2006-04-06T20:31:00.000+08:00

I have a right to be pissed off with many things. I dont like James Blunt! I hate his songs. I hate his voice. He looks like a bum. Dont know why he's so successful. So he writes his own songs. Big deal! So do the KRU boys. And they stink like Sg Seget! Those boys cant sing to save their lives either. Neither can bloody Bucky from the latest American Idol series. Know who else cant sing? Noor Kumalasari! Is that her real name? Who gives their children names that are almost impossible to pronounce, let alone spell?! Whoever that was must have a weird sense of humour. Her half-sister is called Anita Sarawak! I doubt if that's her real name either. If I had to name my daughter after a place in Malaysia, I would probably call her Lina Langkawi. That's a cool name. Mysterious. Legendary.

Back to Anita Sarawak. Her mother was Siput Sarawak. Another strange name. Word has it, Anita almost committed suicide in the 70's. She wanted to kill herself because of the embarassment her mother was about to inflict upon her. Her mother wanted to change her name from Siput Sarawak to Siput Babi!

I'm a grumpy old man. Not always like this but pretty much most of the time. I can be nice. I can be kind. Deep down I'm wonderful. You be the judge. My future postings will help you decide.

I'll stop for now. Until I find something else to piss me off.

HYDE