DIRRRTY TALK

Not quite a sex post, but it'll have to do for now.


TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits....there!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:

10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5 .Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?


Got any of your own? Feel free to share with us please.


JEKYLL

PUAS AH?

The advent of Ramadhan puts the SEX post on hold. (Phew!)

We see this every year but I think it's very useful info.

SOME HEALTH GUIDELINES FOR RAMADHAAN

During the holy month of Ramadhan, our diet should not differ very much from our normal diet and should be as simple as possible. The diet should be such that we maintain our normal weight, neither losing nor gaining. However, if one is over-weight, Ramadhan is an ideal time to normalise one's weight.

In view of the long hours of fasting, we should consume slow digesting foods including fibre containing-foods rather than fast-digesting foods. Slow digesting foods last up to 8 hours, while fast-digesting foods last for only 3 to 4 hours.

Slow-digesting foods are foods that contain grains and seeds like barley, wheat, oats, millet, semolina, beans, lentils, wholemeal flour, unpolished rice, etc. (called complex carbohydrates) . Fast-burning foods are foods that contain sugar, white flour, etc. (called refined carbohydrates) .

Fibre-containing foods are bran-containing foods, whole wheat, grains and seeds, vegetables like green beans, peas, marrow, spinach, the leaves of beetroot (iron-rich), fruit with skin, dried fruit especially dried apricots, figs and prunes, almonds, etc.

The foods eaten should be well-balanced, containing foods from each food group, i.e. fruits, vegetables, meat/chicken/ fish, bread/cereals and dairy products. Fried foods are unhealthy and should be limited. They cause indigestion, heart-burn, and weight problems.

AVOID
Fried and fatty foods. Foods containing too much sugar. Over-eating especially at sahur. Too much tea at sahur. Tea makes you pass more urine taking with it valuable mineral salts that your body would need during the day. Smoking cigarettes. If you cannot give up smoking, cut down gradually starting a few weeks before Ramadhan.

EAT
Complex carbohydrates at sahur so that the food lasts longer making you less hungry. Protein is a slow-burning food. Dates are excellent source of sugar, fibre, carbohydrates, potassium and magnesium. Almonds are rich in protein and fibre with less fat. Bananas are a good source of potassium, magnesium and carbohydrates.

DRINK
As much water or fruit juices as possible between buka-puasa and bedtime so that your body may adjust fluid levels in time.

CONSTIPATION
Constipation can cause piles (haemorroids), fissures (painful cracks in anal canal) and indigestion with a bloated feeling.
Causes: Too much refined foods, too little water and not enough fibre in the diet.
Remedy: Avoid excessive refined foods, increase water intake, use bran in baking, brown flour when making bread.

INDIGESTION AND WIND
Causes: Over-eating. Too much fried and fatty foods, spicy foods, and foods that produce wind e.g. eggs, cabbage, lentils, carbonated drinks like Cola also produce gas.
Remedy: Do not over-eat, drink fruit juices or better still drink water. Avoid fried foods, add ajmor to wind-producing foods.

LETHARGY ('low blood pressure')
Excessive sweating, weakness, tiredness, lack of energy, dizziness, especially on getting up from sitting position, pale appearance and feeling faint are symptoms associated with "low blood pressure". This tends to occur towards the afternoon.
Causes: Too little fluid intake, decreased salt intake.
Remedy: Keep cool, increase fluid and salt intake.
Caution: Low blood pressure should be confirmed by taking a blood pressure reading when symptoms are present. Persons with high blood pressure may need their medication adjusted during Ramadhan. They should consult their doctor.

HEADACHE
Causes: Caffeine and tobacco-withdrawal, doing too much in one day, lack of sleep, hunger usually occur as the day goes by and worsens at the end of the day. When associated with "low blood pressure", the headache can be quite severe and can also cause nausea before buka-puasa.
Remedy: Cut down caffeine and tobacco slowly starting a week or two before Ramadhan. Herbal and caffeine-free teas may be substituted. Reorganise your schedule during the Ramadan so as to have adequate sleep.

LOW BLOOD SUGAR
Weakness, dizziness, tiredness, poor concentration, perspiring easily, feeling shaky (tremor), unable to perform physical activities, headache, palpitations are symptoms of low blood sugar.
Causes in non-diabetics: Having too much sugar i.e. refined carbohydrates especially at sahur. The body produces too much insulin causing the blood glucose to drop.
Remedy: Eat something at sahur and limit sugar-containing foods and drinks.
Caution: Diabetics may need to adjust their medication in Ramadan, consult your doctor.

MUSCLE CRAMPS
Causes: Inadequate intake of calcium, magnesium and potassium foods.
Remedy: Eat foods rich in the above minerals e.g. vegetables, fruit, dairy products, meat and dates.
Caution: Those on high blood pressure medication and with kidney stone problems should consult their doctor.

PEPTIC ULCERS, HEART BURN, GASTRITIS AND HIATUS HERNIA
Increased acid levels in the empty stomach in Ramadhan aggravate the above conditions. It presents as a burning feeling in the stomach area under the ribs and can extend up to the throat. Spicy foods, coffee, and Cola drinks worsen these conditions.
Medications are available to control acid levels in the stomach. People with proven peptic ulcers and hiatus hernia should consult their doctor well before Ramadhan.

KIDNEY STONES
Kidney stones may occur in people who have less liquids to drink. Therefore, it is essential to drink extra liquids so as to prevent stone formation.

JOINT PAINS
Causes: During Ramadhan, when extra solat are performed the pressure on the knee joints increases. In the elderly and those with arthritis this may result in pain, stiffness, swelling and discomfort.
Remedy: Lose weight so that the knees do not have to carry any extra load. Exercise the lower limbs before Ramadhan so that they can be prepared for the additional strain. Being physically fit allows greater fulfilment, thus enabling one to be able to perform solat with ease.

JEKYLL

MOVIE STAR? BAH!

I’ve been told that I look like some guy called Bill Pullman. Apparently he’s a big Hollywood movie star who’s acted in many blockbusters.

YEAH, RIGHT!

Like I could possibly resemble a movie star!

I was thinking - who’s this guy anyway? Never heard of him before. Does he even exist? C’mon, get real! Even the name sounds made-up - Bill Pullman.

I suppose the female version is called Jill Pushwoman or something like that. Lol. Try again, people, I thought!

The pic you see on my profile is mine. I was born looking like this. Oh ok ok…..I grew up and looked like this. Any resemblance with another person, dead or otherwise, famous or otherwise, is purely coincidental. If you don’t believe it, go take it up with the Almighty.

Then I did exactly what a cat should never do when it’s curious - I googled this guy Bill Pullman.

Mr Big Hollywood Star looks nothing like me. Nowhere near! If anything, I look better than him. Movie star? Bah!

I've attached both our pics below.

You be the judge. People say we're mouseketeer two same. I mean, mousedeer two same. (Pelanduk dua serupa lah!).

But I seriously beg to differ..

That's me on the left.

The Bill guy looks much older. His hair looks like a the outcome of a 2-hour session in the Bukit Bintang saloon. So not real.

What movies did he act in anyway?

P.S.

Cant get into the mood yet. Ran out of HORLICKS. Tried VICO but didnt work...

JEKYLL

SEX?

Someone recently suggested that I resume blogging about my (and hers too, it seems) favourite subject of SEX. It's everyone's fav topic too, I suppose.

It's just that some like to write about it. Whereas some others just like to read.

But everyone thinks about it.

I wrote about ORGASM.

I wrote about LUST AND HORNINESS.

I wrote about MY FAV SEX POSITION.

Heck, I even wrote about WORLD PEACE. Ok, so this isn't about sex.

Writing about sex-related stuff is all about being honest. Being sincere about your inner-most fantasies and desire.

Honesty and sincerety are what separate smut from heartfelt ramblings.

So, my next post is inevitably going to be about SEX.

Need to get in the mood :

Air-cond set to 22 degrees (just the perfect temperature for sex. Try it!),

Marvin Gaye and Al Jarreau (music for to summon the beast in you),

Kain Pelikat (the older the better),

A hot cup of HORLICKS (dont know why, but not only does it get me in the mood, my performance is also enhanced!) .........and I should be ready to go!

'Til then...

HYDE

MURDER-CAR!

The nation is 49 years old.

I’m just regretful that with every 31st August that comes by, I still can’t seem to genuinely grasp the significance of the country’s independence.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no less patriotic than the flag-waving guy who runs around in Stadium Negara during badminton matches involving our team.

I would not hesitate to fight for my country.

I would not think twice to die for it.

I would be the first to self-draft if ever war breaks out with any of the neighbouring countries. The army may not need an old geezer like me but I’ll have them and everyone else know - I do not need a reason to kick a Singaporean/Thai/Indonesian/Filipino’s arse.

I am very proud of my country but even so can’t bring myself to affix a flag onto my car. Much as I am partial to watching how the flag flutters when a car zips through the road, I just can’t see the Jalur Gemilang as my car accessory. Not yet.

My indifference towards the spirit of independence may be discomforting to some, but I presume it is understandable for those who did not experience the struggle.

I know that the historic event signalled the end of British colonial rule.

I know that it was the coming into being of an independent, sovereign and democratic Federation of Malaya.

Emblemic images of Tunku’s raised hand with shouts of “Murder-Car! Murder-Car! Murder-Car!” marking the great occasion, are my only momentous reminder of the birth of a new nation.

I pray that by this time next year, I can finally say that in addition to my immense sense of pride and allegiance to the country, I would also be able to sincerely embody the essence of self-government, befitting of Malaysia’s 50th birthday.

JEKYLL

DA ROO RON RON RON DA ROO RON RON (C'mon...altogether now)

Roo and Ron kissed and made-up!

What a sight this was.

I'm sure Ms Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou would get wet looking at this pic.

JEKYLL

RENJIS RENJIS DIPILIS

I’m officially an old man now. A grumpy one at that. My niece is getting married next Sunday. If everything goes as planned, I will be a granduncle next June. Great. Just great.

I don’t trust my future nephew-in-law. He has a unibrow. I never trust anyone with a unibrow. Neither do I trust anyone with more rings on a single hand than the Olympic rings, in this case a.k.a. Mr Unibrow’s father. I bet he sets the airport alarm buzzing whenever he attempts to board a plane.

What’s so difficult about tackling the unibrow problem? Haven’t they heard of waxing, threading or even plain shaving? Within seconds, the mess on the forehead will disappear.

This wedding sha-bang is just such a laborious process. It’s fine and dandy when you attend the function - pretend you like the food, shake hands with people whose names you couldn’t remember and check out the size of other guests’ gifts. But when you’re on the other side of the pelamin, it’s a different story altogether.

I just can’t wait for this whole episode to be over. It began several months ago with the engagement. Then came the solemnisation ceremony (nikah) on Friday night and by this time next Sunday it’ll all be over.

We can then all go back to our daily routines. No more colour coordination discussions. No more tray counting. No more egg flowers preparation (bunga telor lah). And then, back to blogging...

JEKYLL